The importance of asking for feedback
This is a really obvious and ridiculous thing to write about, but it’s Friday, and the day job was a whole pile of both day and job, so here we go.
I have always, for all my thirty-some years on this planet, struggled with feedback.
Even positive feedback.
I really, really struggle with constructive criticism.
Being an over-achiever from a young age, and ridiculously well-behaved to boot, I never really got that much telling off as a kid. Sounds lovely doesn’t it? However, learning how to handle people being less than ecstatic about you is an unexpectedly important life skill.
You lose out on more opportunities than you win, and rejections from publishers are kind of a frequent thing for newbies (or they are for most anyway, I’m sure there’s some mystery genius out there who was scooped up on their first synopsis submission, but that isn’t the standard!). A rejection of work isn’t a rejection of you, even if it feels that way after the multiple years you’ve poured into crafting this amazing work that is brilliant and people would understand if they read it.
But, you can’t let people read it in case they don’t like it!
And, you can’t get help seeing the blind spots you have around it (there are some. Believe me.) if you don’t let people read it.
So the cycle goes.
All this is an absolutely massive energy sink, and quite frankly that energy would be better put into reading something else and having a bath.
So I have been training myself out of this cycle.
I am lucky enough to have several wonderful friends and family members who read for me, and some anonymous friends online who also send me notes. I started off not being able to even look at them when we talked through things that didn’t work, one friend in particular sent me screenshots in a chat which was brilliant- I could choose when I addressed them, and we interspersed the chat with pictures of cute dogs and weird TikToks. The online friends’ notes go to a specific email address, and I set time to dig through them and thank them each for their support.
I am constantly reminded that the people reading wouldn’t do so if they didn’t care about me, and if they didn’t like it. My brand of smut is not everyone’s cup of tea, and I’m always careful to give get-out clauses and warnings wherever I can.
The crucial thing is, everything I write gets so, so much better with every person who reads it and talks to me. I received some feedback from an editor recently and the changes have made a world of difference to my first novel. It’s been a decade and a half since I left school, my English writing skills aren’t bad, but I am no professional, and having the areas to improve signposted takes the massive, mammoth, behemoth task down to a herd-able grammatical cow or two.
It’s like every other skill. It’s like everything else you ever do! Driving, cooking, gardening, managing work, home repair- all skills we all have, all benefiting from the occasional extra pair of eyes and a helping hand from an expert here and there.
The first hump is asking. For that I can offer no help other than this; ask yourself- do you want to get your work out to people who may love it? Do you want that more than you dislike asking for help? Then ask and get on with it. Virtually if that’s easier, anonymously if that helps, privately if it’s more comfortable, but do ask. People will help.
The second hump is waiting. I am a speed reader. Many others are not. I am impatient. This is not a helpful feature. I manage this by procrastinating in other projects. You may choose a different method to cope. I would avoid, if possible, John Hughes-ing it with a boombox outside your beta’s bedroom window. They may not appreciate it.
The third hump is receiving the actual feedback. Like I said, try separate inboxes, or notes on a board, or while doing a different activity (I like cooking for this one- you can be busy but still paying attention). If you are such a brave and well-adjusted human you can just sit coolly and absorb constructive criticism right to your face then more power to you, I wish I could!
The fourth hump is acting on the feedback. Not all feedback is equal, and not all of it must be acted upon. At the end of the day, your work is your own, and you will never please everyone who reads/sees it. Make the choice that’s right for you and your art at the time you’re in. It may be the best choice for today, it may need to change tomorrow. It’s up to you. I actually don’t find this bit too bad, as long as I can get my head around the totality of what I need to do.
I am a demon with a to-do list.
In summary, this will always be hard for some of us, and I’ll do another post shortly about delivering feedback, the other side of the coin so to speak. Hopefully this note has nudged a few people into brushing the dust of one of their creations and sliding it across to a friend, gaze cast sideways and blushing furiously, muttering,
“I made this, could you look and let me know what you think?”
If they care about you, they care about your work, and even if they don’t usually go for art like your creation, they will support you and be happy for you.
Lean on them folx, especially when you’re not strong and the metaphors just don’t work!
Love, Frankie xx